How Habits are Sabotaged by All-or-Nothing Thinking

“Well, I had a habit of meditating daily. Every morning. It felt great, but then I stopped. Of course…that’s what I always do,” my client sighed in resignation.

Sound familiar to you? Many people think of habits in this all-or-nothing way: I’m either doing them and I’m an A+ student, or I’m not and I’m failing at life.

“We are not perfect and to expect 100% performance is unrealistic... expecting perfection and repeatedly falling short can create a powerful negative story. ”

The pitfalls of this way of thinking are obvious. First, we are not perfect and to expect 100% performance is unrealistic. Additionally, expecting perfection and repeatedly falling short can create a powerful negative story. There is, however, a different way to look at habits. This alternate way has the opportunity to change your life.

First of all, why do we develop habits? We develop them because we have goals we want to achieve and these regular behaviors help us get there. For example, you create a habit of exercising to get healthier or of meditating because it helps you calm your mind. You develop a bedtime habit because it helps you get better sleep, allowing you to function better the next day. You develop these practices because they give you access to the life you want.

In other words, habits are the identification of a system that works for you. They help you obtain your goals, so you want to do them every day. But the reality is that Life Will Happen. The reality is that you will get sick, go on vacation, or get overwhelmed at work and you may drop some or all of your habits. What then? All-or-nothing thinking says, “You failed” and “Clearly, they don’t work”. You give up on yourself and your habits. Maybe, you try a new habit, but *warning* Life Will Happen again. Over time you run out of things to try AND your identity around your ability to maintain a habit becomes really negative.

“The purpose of habits in this new way of thinking is to see them as access back to the life that was working for you.”

But what if there was another way to think about broken habits? What if the focus wasn’t on the fact that you stopped and therefore perceived yourself as a failure? What if the focus was on the fact that you have these habits to return to? The purpose of habits in this new way of thinking is to see them as access back to the life that was working for you. Whereas with all-or-nothing thinking, we say, “Yup, I failed again. Might as well give up”. This new way of thinking says, “Wow, okay, I’m back from vacation and seriously off my habitual behaviors. How do I get back to that life? Where do I start first?” It may take time, but the point of your habits is to help you get back to that healthy life.

When I share this idea with clients, there is usually a moment of silence followed by renewed excitement. First, we’ve created a world where you don’t have to be perfect. Second, we’ve created a vision of habits designed to help you, not eventually make you feel worse about yourself. Now, with this model, I find my clients can develop regular practices much more easily and take tangible steps toward the life they want to live.

What do you think? Willing to try this new way of thinking? What’s a habit you had in the past that you would like to return to? How do you begin to find your way back to that habit and that life that worked for yoU? I’d love to hear how it goes. You can always leave your comments below or reach me here.