We Are Not Robots (ADHD or Not)
A client said something to me in a coaching session yesterday that caught my attention…
“I know, as a woman with ADHD that I am NEVER going to be consistent and I’m okay with that. So my plan for this project is going to have to take that into account.”
On one hand I was incredibly proud of this client. I knew that for her, being able to own her ADHD and acknowledge her struggles with it AND and to be okay with that (rather than shame herself for it) was a HUGE deal. And, at the same time, I was also inspired to grab a post-it and scribble in big letters, “We are not Robots! ADHD or not!”
“Perfectionism is a condition many individuals with ADHD suffer from.”
Perfectionism is a condition many individuals with ADHD suffer from. Their neurodivergent brain has been punished time after time since school days and all the way through to work life for not solving math problems the way the rest of the class did, for not expressing their ideas the way the rest of the group did and, in general, for just not doing things the way “everyone else” (whatever that means) does. Over time their brain creates this mythic idea of the perfect neurotraditional brain. What they can lose track of is that none of us are perfect.
“...none of us are perfect. Neurotypicals forget doctor appointments, run late for appointments, double book themselves, sleep through their alarms, get distracted during a meeting, blow deadlines. ”
Neurotypicals forget doctor appointments, run late for appointments, double book themselves, sleep through their alarms, get distracted during a meeting, blow deadlines. Sure, they probably do it a lot less than people with ADHD and they may be much better at covering for it, but more importantly, neurotypicals don’t have a history starting from a very young age of being made wrong for those mistakes. Neurotypicals make those mistakes at some (made-up) “acceptable” rate whereas adults with ADHD were once children with ADHD who made those mistakes at a much higher and unacceptable rate and had those flaws repeatedly pointed out. Over time they began to tell themselves that neurotypicals don’t make these mistakes at all. They start to believe that if they were neurotypical they would be perfect and that is a huge problem. A lot of Adults with ADHD are holding themselves to a standard of perfection that is wholly unattainable for anyone. Neurotypicals were told it was okay to make mistakes, that the frequency of their mistakes was within the acceptable norm. Whereas the young ADHD elementary schooler’s higher rate of mistakes were compared to the rest of the class of neurotypicals so many times that those little neurotypicals became the ideal, they became idealized as Perfect. But they weren’t, they were just a lot better at hiding it.
“...it’s important for me to remind my clients that none of us are perfect, because a lot of times perfect is the standard my ADHD client is aiming for and it’s unrealistic, for anyone.”
That’s why it’s important for me to remind my clients that none of us are perfect, because a lot of times perfect is the standard my ADHD client is aiming for and it’s unrealistic, for anyone. Worse, it means they are destined to fail before they even start (and for a lot of my clients, they jump from there to “So why even start”?)
“...if I have one secret goal for each and every one of my clients, it’s that the learn to love, accept and know themselves in such a way that they know what they need and know that they are worth advocating for themselves.”
So a big part of my job as an ADHD Coach is to help my clients spot when they are holding themselves up to an unrealistic expectation of Perfect and help them adjust their expectations. What does that look like? A lot of time it means reminding the client we are after The Goal, not Perfection. Another client gave an excellent example just this week. Her goal was to wake up on time when her alarm went off rather than playing in the land of perpetual snooze. She had a plan and her accountability for that week was to text me in the morning and let me know what happened. On the very first morning she texted me….Success! She woke up without hitting snooze! However she did feel the need to confess that she had “cheated” and used two alarms instead of one. This is a perfect example of holding oneself up to perfectiontism. She didn’t execute our plan exactly how we had designed it in our coaching session, therefore in her eyes she had “cheated” and still partially failed. My reframe as her coach is to turn back to the larger goal. Our plan was an idea created to help her reach her goal of waking up on time rather than snoozing for one, two, sometimes three hours. So did she succeed? Most definitely, yes. Did she cheat? I guess if you are playing The Perfect Game then maybe, but what I see is an even bigger success is that she continued to reflect on what she needed even after our coaching call and felt empowered to alter our plan in a way that she thought would be even more supportive and help even better guarantee her success.
I frequently tell my clients that coaching is all about them and their goals, but if I have one secret goal for each and every one of my clients, it’s that the learn to love, accept and know themselves in such a way that they know what they need and know that they are worth advocating for themselves. So while my client may not have executed “our plan” perfectly, she achieved her goal, which is far more important. So much more important than “perfect”, because “perfect” isn’t real.