How to Quiet that Negative Inner Voice
You Know That Voice….
You want to start a workout routine, but every time you think about it you are reminded of the last five times you tried and failed.
You need to make some travel decisions for an upcoming vacation, but keep second guessing your choices and remembering all the bad vacation choices you made in the past.
You research ADHD coaches, then tell yourself it will just be another thing you end up quitting and wasting your money on.
There’s no denying most individuals with ADHD struggle with a frequent inner dialogue that focuses on the negative.
“It’s so frustrating!” One of my clients recently exclaimed during our call.
How Do You Quiet That Voice? Engage with it!
There are a lot of approaches suggested on ADHD websites to address this: meditate to quiet the inner voice, exercise to exhaust the inner voice, journal and drain the inner voice, but a lot of my clients still struggle.
“Why Does the Negative Part of Your Brain get to have the last word?”
When clients bring this up, I usually ask one question, “Why does the negative part of your brain get to have the last word?”
This usually stops my clients in their tracks and is followed by a long, thoughtful pause or sometimes even laughter. “Good question!” A client recently chuckled.
Let Someone Else Do Some of the Talking
This idea that you don’t have to let that Negative Inner Voice dominant the conversation seems to be effective with my clients. I think because it starts with acknowledging there is a conversation going on in the client’s brain. I have found that the majority of my ADHD clients have this internal conversation going on and I think it’s powerful to acknowledge it. I also think it is important to call it a conversation rather than a monologue. A monologue implies just one person talking, but what is going on for the ADHD person is more like different parts of their brain having a conversation.
The optimistic part says, “I want a workout routine. I always feel better when I workout. I know it would be good for my body and my mind. Let’s sit down and make a schedule”
The negative part says, “Yea right. You remember last time you made a schedule right? Did you even follow it for a day? Maybe a week, but then you forgot all about it. Why even fool yourself?”
This might end the conversation or it may go on for a while, but my experience is that most of my clients let the negative voice have the final word. I challenge that with questions like, “So what do you want to say back to the negative part of your brain?” I am continually inspired by my clients thoughtful responses.
What My Clients Say to that Negative Inner Voice…
“So what is it you want to say to the negative part of your brain?”
Once I have shared this idea with my clients, we often practice what these conversations could look like. What might the other parts of your brain have to say to that Negative Inner Voice. Below are some things I’ve heard:
“Yea, I’ve failed in the past, but this time I’m working with a coach who will help me.”
“Sure, I quit last time I tried, but I’ve also succeeded. I trained for a marathon and completed that. I can do it again.”
“So what’s the alternative? Not try? Not complete work projects? That’s not acceptable. I’m just going to keep working at it until I find something that sticks.”
“Sure that’s my past, but it doesn’t have to be my future.”
“I have the tools this time to make different choices, create different routines. I’ve learned how to be reliable to myself.”
I frequently encourage my clients to have a reliable one liner to challenge that negative internal voice that they can keep front of mind.
“Thank you for your thoughts, but I’m going to keep trying all the same.”
“I don’t need to be perfect, I just need to keep doing something.
“Let’s just see what happens, okay?”
What if you Really Don’t Know What to Say?
Sometimes that Negative Inner Voice has been running the show for so long my clients really don’t know what to say back. When that happens we get creative. Sometimes that’s thinking about a what a supportive friend or family might say if they heard what that Negative Inner Voice was spewing. Sometimes it’s remembering an important figure in your life like a teacher or neighbor or coworker who showed you kindness and support. Sometimes it’s thinking about the things you wish someone had said to you. For some of my clients who are parents I ask them what they would say to their own child if their child shared these thoughts with them.
It can be hard to stop letting that Negative Inner Voice run the show, but it is possible. That Negative Voice may still win at first as you practice challenging it, but with time and practice, you will become more adept at challenging it and winning the conversations. Like any tool my clients and I practice, at first they may seem awkward or difficult, but with practice and time you can become a master.
That Negative Inner Voice can be Stopped
“Next time that negative voice is shutting you down, don’t give up. Instead engage, have a conversation with that voice, challenge it, you don’t have to let it have the final word.”
I love watching how my clients start to minimize those negative conversations in their mind. They learn how to shorten the conversations, they learn to access other parts of their brain and let them have the final word. They are able to hear that negative voice for what it is, just one opinion, and not let it rule the day.
I encourage you to try the same technique. Next time that negative voice is shutting you down, don’t give up. Instead engage, have a conversation with that voice, challenge it, you don’t have to let it have the final word. Start right now, by reflecting on the last inner dialogue you had where you let the negative part of your brain have the final word. Now ask yourself, “What could I have said in response? What could I have said to challenge or calm that negative part of my brain?” Try and get it down to one memorable sentence, write it down or put it in your phone. The next time you find yourself in a negative internal conversation acknowledge it is a conversation and keep the conversation going, challenge the negative part of your brain, and let another part of you have the final word! Then come back here and tell me how it went or even share your own response. You never know who you might inspire!
What do you think?
Please let me know.
Let’s learn from each other!